Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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