I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
