i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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