im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
