Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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