i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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