I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I don't deserve a penis
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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