Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
