This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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