cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
