When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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