Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
