I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I wish I only lived at night.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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