considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
