Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
