You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
