Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He has the fingertips of a God
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