Im at strip club and am horny
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
