Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
