So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
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