Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
