You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
