yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Houston, we have a blender
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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