Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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