They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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