She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
