So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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