Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
