I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
