I met the friendliest cop last night
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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