I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize