I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I didn't notice because vodka
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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