i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
