She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
