you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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