dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
