its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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