My hand turned me down
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
