Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
