i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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