Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
