its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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