how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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