youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
