Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
