Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
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