nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
