someone threw a dead crab at me
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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