I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
