somebody snuck up and got me drunk
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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