Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
