Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
