you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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