sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
