Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
