not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
