i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
