It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
