I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
