sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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