Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize
