bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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