If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
