im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
