i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He better not be in your backpack
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
