Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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