You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
