I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You did what with his pubic hair?
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