oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
