even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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