there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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