When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
