you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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