No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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